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Friday, June 19, 2015

Feeling Blah.

Anyone ever have one of those days where you just feel as if you can't do anything right and you aren't good enough? Let's talk about it, because I am having one of those WEEKS. It's a terrible feeling and I feel as if I can't escape. I also feel as if I'm a sucky writer but I'm going to write about this anyways because it's the only way I know how to get my feelings out. With writing this post I guess I'll do a little update on my life as well..maybe I'm not sure..we will see where this takes us.

So basically I'm majored in English with Communications; hoping one day that my writing will take me somewhere and my public speaking will as well. I love to read and I love to write. That's all English majors do..so far I mean, I've only taken one class that has to do with my major but that's all we have been doing..we read a novel a week and then write an essay on it. So as you can see, with blogging, journaling & my classes I'm almost always writing. At this moment in time I feel as if I am not good enough and I feel worthless as well. Not just in my writing, but in everything that's happening with my life. In my relationships that I have with people, in my work out routines, in my cooking, just about anything I do I feel as if I - lack of a better word - suck. 

I realize this is all mumble jumble and it might not help any of you because there is probably going to be no advice in this just me ranting about how badly I suck at life and I'll probably be yelling at myself later about this.

I usually know when something is really getting to me when I stop writing in my journal and as predicted, I haven't written in my journal all week long. And let me tell you, a lot has been going on the past couple of weeks. All of my feelings I have towards myself are negative. I am totally insecure even with the clothes I've been putting on my body. I draw a blank in my writing and I realize that I am a terrible writer. But I CAN'T BE A BAD WRITER IF I WANT MY MAJOR TO BE ENGLISH. So that is really getting to me because I love love love to write but I feel as if I'm so redundant and all of my sentences are awkward or just incomplete. When I try to think of better words to use to make it sound more mature and more intelligent it looks as if I'm trying too hard and then I go back to my basic word language which is terrible in my opinion. 

With my relationships, I just feel like I either am not good enough to be in these relationships or that they are better than me in every aspect possible. I also think why the heck they would want to be my friend to begin with. 

I am nothing special.

These thoughts are not accurate. None of them. We were all made in the image and likeness of God Himself. God does NOT make mistakes. We all have gifts, and if we decide to receive what He has given us, then we will flourish and bloom. The hardest thing to do in a relationship is to receive. God wants to give us all these graces and blessings. These negative thoughts I'm having (and maybe some of you are having too) are not from Him. He put us on this Earth to be joyful and to know that this is only temporary and there are greater things to come. We are His children. Not just me, but we ALL are sons and daughters of A KING. A KING. How incredible is that. Our king does not want us to be sad and to look at ourselves in such a demeaning way. I know, I need to take my own advice for once. 

Writing this post doesn't make me feel 100% better, I'm actually still mad at myself because of how awfully written this was. But at least I got it all out, and maybe I'm not alone in feeling this way today (or this week). But I want you all to know that you are good enough. 

You were put on this Earth for a reason, go find that reason and make a change. Be the difference and make people stare at you because we were made to be different and to make people think.

It's okay to be proud of yourself, embrace it. Love yourself, be happy with your actions, and make people's hearts smile.

Again, I apologize for this awfulness. 

(not sure if I showed this already, but if so, then you need to read it again) 

xx, Lillie
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