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Sunday, September 9, 2018

The Last Of It - SENIOR YEAR #AlumKnight

I finished! I graduated college with a B.S. in Psychology. I am just overwhelmed by all of the graces God has blessed me with over the last four years. WOW did the Lord do a lot. But, let's focus in on my senior year.

I started both semesters completely drained, exhausted and not knowing where to place my right foot, even if the obvious answer was in front of my left. With so much change, transition and heartache, the Lord was stretching my heart to a place where I needed to trust Him so deeply, I didn't know I was capable of. This year had many changes, whirlwinds of events, with joys, sorrows, letting go, forgiveness, and transformation. I wrote last years blog post living in an identity crisis, with a broken shameful heart, and many unanswered questions of who I became and where the heck I was headed. I was afraid to let the Lord in, I was so extremely empty, and so lost, I didn't even know how to give my heart to God. This year, I *finish* this blog post sitting at a coffee shop, on a rainy day, in San Marcos, Texas - as a missionary. Where the heck did the time go?

***Summer was jam packed as I got ready to pack up my life & head to Texas, where I knew absolutely no one, where no one knew me, in a place of openness, confidence in God and single-heartedly running after Him.***

BUT, back to senior year:

God filled my life with so many graces and gentleness during my senior year, He truly transformed me and we entered into a deep time of healing, together. It was truly a fantastic year. As many people left, and I felt abandoned walking into senior year, I left with my heart full, as I met so many people who entered into life with me, and saw all of me, the good, bad, and the ugly, and loved me through every piece of it.
Both semesters were a time of mourning, love and patience. A place for me to open my arms wide to allow God to pick me up and carry me to see a new perspectives, a breath of fresh air, and to be held into His gentle arms and to be able to rest upon His chest. The Lord asked me to fall deeper in vulnerability, and through vulnerability was more love and trust.

This year, I fell in love. I fell more in love with myself, with my passions, with my brokenness, with my heart, and my mind - all still a work in progress. I fell in love with The City Beautiful (Orlando), my home - The Little Flower, a man who is faithful and loved me well, the newness of relationships, community and discernment. 

I learned a lot. I learned to be patient in the midst of frustration and confusion, I learned that it is okay to be sad and to sit in sadness, I learned that it is okay to forgive and to be forgiven. l learned to trust again, to trust God that the people He placed in my life could most certainly be new best friends who I can share my heart with and not regret it. 

I gave my heart to The Little Flower household & the women living in it, the Catholic Campus Ministry @ UCF, and a few individuals who were and still are an important piece of my healing in many wounds from my life that involved men. I can never thank these men enough for the way they fought for me and loved me through my difficult stubbornness and my lack of faith that the Lord can bring good men into my life - which He did, time and time again & continues to do so.

I am so grateful for the senior year I had with all of the ups and downs. It was an extremely difficult year, but it was filled with so much grace and goodness. I am still uncovering a lot from it, which is why I think it was so hard for me to write this post (and still is hard for me) to finish it, because I know that the Lord has more to share with me of how He poured into my life through 2017-2018. I hope to add more to this post as time goes on - but for now, this is the depth of what I can share and I am very pleased.

The Lord is good, let us always rejoice. 

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